Friday, 1 May 2015

My Baby has Returned Home

On Friday 24th April 2015 my Mano returned back home - to Allah!

1 week ago today my life changed forever....

...It was her last night with me here in our room. She spent the night tossing and turning until i jumped up as i heard her throwing up. I helped her off the bed. She went to drink water and then spent the next few hours lying on the floor, in the bedroom, outside the bedroom, in the bathroom. She was so patient with severe pain subhan'Allah and i was so tired. 

I just sat there watching her and stroking her and talking to her. She would only respond when i said, 'You'll be OK baby - Allah-Ji will make you better now' and i prayed on her and blew on her and told her i loved her too much like i always did. But she made sure not to disturb me and let me sleep. She didn't bug me like usual. Of course i didn't sleep. I just dosed off and then jumped up after every half hour to see where she was. The time was going too slow! 

7am and i couldn't handle her pain anymore - even though she said nothing. I rang the vets and the message said, 'Open at 8.30am'. By Allah that 7 til 8.30am was an eternity. I knew it was an emergency for her now. I needed her to get on the drip so she could start getting her energy back and then start eating. I never realised these moments were my last moments with her. I was ready and dressed before 8.30am. Yes me! 

She went for her last toilet break and she looked so weak - all within 3 days. She stumbled but made it to her outdoor toilet and back to her spot where she sat. She cried when i took her to the vets - i thought i was leaving her in for a few days to get better so i told Mimey (my nephew) to say bye to her just as he was about to leave for University and told mum to tell her she'll be OK. Never realised it would be her final goodbyes. 

At the vets i told them to make sure to give her the lowest dose for sedation as she was already weak. I signed the forms and turned to walk away. She cried and called me but i didn't look back as she would cry more. I knew she was in safe hands. I was hopeful. 

I stayed awake last night crying. The early hours would have been her toilet break time and then we would have listened to the birdies together doing dhikr and she would have sat by me as i prayed fajr, read duas and Qur'an and did hifz. Then she would curl up by me and sleep. 

It was 11.15ish-am i was back home now and waiting for the call for her test results so we could start treatment and then this call came - 'I'm afraid i have bad news for you Ms Yunis - Mano didn't make it - she died - her results showed advanced kidney failure and were off the charts on our computer - we would have advised you to put her to sleep anyway. She died peacefully'. 

And that was that...the end! 

She gave me 17 years of unconditional and pure love that no human has given me (and many humans will never understand) and no human ever will because humans are selfish and always about themselves. 

She was with me through thick and thin and the only one who ever saw my tears in open. Together we would talk to Allah-Ji. I was never lonely without her. And now i have to stay in this duniya alone til my time is up. 

She used to have the usual health challenges and last May 2014 she had an infection and that's when they said she could have pancreatitis but alhamdulilah all was clear and she healed.

Two Friday's ago i came back from my course and she was upset. She was going toilet but was having challenges - i thought it was constipation and thought she would be ok. But then 5 days later i saw brown/red in her urine. I took her to the vets and they gave her antibiotic injections and pain injection and gave me some meds to take home to start giving her the night after. But from that point she stopped eating and just drank water until last Friday when she was just too weak and in pain and i needed her to get some more treatment so i could give her meds.

Over the last year we became even more close.

Every night whilst i would sleep and dream she would be with me there too.

We cuddled and talked and had lots of fun.

Her friends popped around and sat by her and i let them hoping that she would heal. They don't come round no more...

I am happy she went peacefully and now she is in heaven with my bestest friend - my Allah-ji.

My nieces and nephews miss her and my elderly parents miss her.

I call her and have invisible chats with her all day long and night.

She was gifted to me by my elder brother in July 1998 - ten days after my big Mano died of a car accident with internal bleeding. Big Mano was 5 years old. My family wanted to stop my tears and gifted me with an 8 week old kitten called 'Rosie' - i changed her name to Mano!

I've had cats all my life - even before i was born my mum would have cats around her and the day i was born we were gifted with a cat.

I love cats - yes you can call me Crazy Cat turBo lol.

Alhamdulilah i have openly cried and talked about my Mano and many have been there listening and helping me heal. I am healing. It's going to take time. I've entered a new phase in my life - it's very scary. I had my whole year planned ahead for biz and studies. I'm scared to move forward. I feel a little guilty too as i feel i'm leaving my Mano behind. I've had all sorts of emotions for the last 8 days. I have allowed it. I've never been so open about my emotions or even cried in front of anyone. Yes i do cry - a lot - alone with my Mano and my Allah-ji. My family have also realised and have helped me through this a lot and just let me talk about her. I've had a life time of emotional, psychological and physical challenges in terms of illness and so i decided this time to let myself be more open. 

I also want to thank everyone who has helped me and i realised that they too have had similar stories and i believe they too are healing - and i want to say to you, 'Me and Mano are holding space for you - if you have lost your furbaby and need to heal then we are here for you - as you have been here for us!

1 week ago today it was Nadia & Mano. Now it's just Nadia....I took her in alive and brought her back sleeping forever. Now i'm waiting for my turn so i can meet her again...

May 1998 - 24th April 2015
To Allah we belong and to Him is our return.

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